Waiting

Well we have been in the states for a little over a week and it looks like we are going to be here for about another three weeks. It is nice to be in the states and it was great to see family but the waiting sucks. I am set to have surgery on wednesday and I am not going to lie I am scared. I am hoping that it will turn out fine and they will just have to remove the tumor but there is the reality that they just don't know yet. I know everyone means well by saying everything is going to be okay but in all honesty we just don't know yet. Until we find out if it has spread or not we can't say that things are going to be fine, the bottom line is until there is a final say that yes this is what stage I am in I am not going to say things are fine. I know things are looking positive but there is a chance that this could be worse and I am prepared for whatever is going to happen. I think the hardest thing about this is my mortality is realized and its something I have got to face. Hearing that even if I stay at a stage 2 there is a 25% chance I could die within the next 5 years is not an easy thing to take in. I know there is a lot worse cancers out there and melanoma isn't necessarily a death sentence but it is still cancer. I am scared of the chance of this spreading and becoming a stage 3 then having to do the chemo and the treatments and having our lives changed. I am trying to stay positive but I am also being realistic, until they go in there and test the lymph nodes we just don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that I am scared and I am not ready to leave this world but I am positive because I am young and healthy and its not as deep as it could be. The one thing I have promised myself is if we get through this and I turn out fine with a stage 2 I am going to do everything I possibly can to be healthy and live the best life possible because it is too short and you never know. I am so thankful for all the support and for my amazing husband and daughter. They are worth fighting this for and I tell you what I am going to kick cancers butt whatever the final diagnosis and take extraordinary care of my skin and body and mind!! Now all I can do is wait and find out how much of a fight I am going to have to put up!!

The "C" word

Before now I had always been scared to use the "c" word, cancer. I have had two other times in my life where I was told I was close to having cancer but it all turned out fine. So when I went in to get my mole removed I was excited when I didn't get any news back for a few weeks. They tell you no news is good news so in a way I forgot about it. But after this tuesday the "c" word is now going to forever be in my vocabulary. The whole thing is still sinking in, I think mainly because its so strange to think I have cancer. At this point its just skin cancer at stage 2 and we don't know yet if it had spread. But it still doesn't seem real because for me I think of cancer and I think of loosing your hair and the "look" of a cancer patient. But for me I feel just fine and besides the scar, which is going to get a lot larger. I don't feel sick and don't look sick on the outside but I have the strange nasty "c" word festering inside my skin, and hopefully just my skin.

The hardest thing I think right now is the thought of Sophia. Now that I have a melanoma she has a 50% greater chance of developing it. Its such a horrid feeling to know that she is also going to have to get her skin monitored closely as well because of me. Thousands of thoughts are going through my head but the ones that scare me the most are the ones that involve her. I am determined to live to 100 because I don't want to miss a moment of her life. I know this is not a death sentence and chances are I am going to be just fine but just the thought of missing anything is hard. But I will try and make this my last "c" word blog and start focusing on the other crazy happy thoughts in my head!! All I can say though is YAY for life.

Holly poop

Well yesterday I got the news that I was hoping not to hear, the doctor found a mole that in fact was melanoma. So to spare all the medical jargon I have to get more skin removed and possibly have some lymph nodes removed and just pray that it has not spread anywhere else. It is not a totally bad melanoma but its not great either. I am not sure what the future had in store and not really able to comprehend all of this yet all I know is they need to get in there and get all the crap out and I have to be super careful with my skin. I was never really a tanning bed person but I was a swimmer and spent the majority of my life outside but I have never had a sunburn, EVER. The reason I am putting this out there is not for sympathy its to make people aware. We all love that summer glow and a tan does look good but having a life long scar on your forehead and hearing you have skin cancer at 29 is not worth it.

Dream

Okay so today was a total bummer because I realized I was a day late to possibly make my life long dream come true!! Well let me first start with what my dream has been. From the time I was little I wanted to be in the olympics, I first wanted to be "Flo-Jo" and would run around the living room then I realized 1-I am white so that wouldn't work and 2-I can't run so that dream is done. Then I grew up swimming and dreamed of going for swimming but even though I have a great love of swimming I lack the competitive drive to push myself. I just love to swim and don't really care about winning. So now it is a dream of attending the games and seeing swimming in person. I must admit I am a total sap and cry at the medal ceremonies. Now in 2012 the games will be in London and being in Spain we are super close and I would love more then anything to go. But this morning when I went to look up the games and tickets I was a day late to get on the list for tickets!! Super poop. But hope is not lost I am going on every authorized website and signing up so in case there are some unsold tickets I can get them. I have no clue how much the hotels are going to cost or flights but all I know is if I don't try to go I will regret it forever, or until the games get back to the US. We all have life long dreams and though some may be obtainable and some not so much trying to get them is so worth it!! But with my dream there is another hurdle and that is finances, London is super expensive but is the dream worth going in a little for?? Do you suck it up and fork over the money knowing that the opportunity might not ever come again?? Well once July comes around and I can find out how much it will really cost my choice will be made. Can you put a price on a dream??

Music?

Okay so living in Spain has got me thinking about others views on America. Here and in other countries that me and Corey have visited the majority of music played is American. So my question is do they think we play their music in America? Do they think their hits are hits in America as well? I mean we do get foreign hits in America but the are almost always in English. And what about TV shows? I mean Baywatch was in like over 100 countries so do they think we get their shows in America with English subtitles? Just curious

Vanity??!

So lately I have been getting some work done on my face, some needed and some wanted, and it got me to thinking of WHY I was getting it done.? I have gotten braces again to get the perfect teeth I have always wanted. I have gotten two moles removed on my face, on because I had to and the other because I have always wanted to. So on my road to get things to look "better" I look like a teenager with braces, a not so bad scar on my forehead and a healing cut on my cheek and everyday I go out feeling less then confident. So why am I getting this done? Its not like my face shows what kind of person I am and what qualities make me a good person and besides the mole on my forehead it wouldn't have been a problem going through the rest of my life with crooked teeth and a mole on my cheek. So in sitting down and really thinking about why I was doing this I came up with a few conclusions. The main one is I really don't feel good about myself anymore. I grew up always being the skinny one and I never had to worry about what I put into my mouth, then I graduated college and everything changed. I gained weight and was no longer told how good I looked and did not feel as good as I did before. So for the past 10 years or so I have been struggling to get back to an "acceptable" weight so I can hear I look good again. And most importantly why do I care? As women we put so much time and effort to be what is considered "acceptable" and we beat ourselves up for it and worst of all we put each other down and judge each other. So I have decided to change what I want people to think of me and what I want to think of myself. No longer am I going to worry about being the "pretty" one but I want to try and show who I really am. I started to think about what would happen if my face was burned in a fire and I was covered in scars, would I live the rest of my life feeling bad about myself because my face wasn't pretty? There is so much more to life and me then that. So I want to show that I am a good mom, a good wife and person who loves life. I no longer want to be a prisoner of constantly thinking about how much I weigh and worrying about what people think of me and start focusing how I can show who I really am without worrying about the outward appearance. I have no clue how I am going to do this but gosh darn it I am going to try. And in my self quest I am going to stop judging people because its so toxic and in turn I hope not to be judged. So that is my deep thought and question for the day, if we lost our face how can we show the world that we are a beautiful person?