Tomorrow is a new day

Well I have started to make a promise to myself and I am going to start living it. I want to make sure that I try and live everyday as if it were my last and be PRESENT. I think for most of my life I have been living today to set myself up for something in the future instead of really enjoying everyday as it comes. I think now its more important then ever to live in the present because of Sophia. She is all ready growing up so fast and though I have been so blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom and see every big moment so far I feel like there are days where I am just looking forward to nap time or counting down till bed time instead of really enjoying the time I have with her. Some days are harder then others but my gosh she is such a love and so smart and just an awesome little person and I feel like I really need to focus on just hanging out with my baby girl. It won't be long until she no longer wants to hang out with me and watch a movie or read a book or color so I am going to make it a point to be present with her every single day.

Another aspect of my life that I want to be more present at is my marriage. Its not like we have a bad marriage, its actually great but I need to focus on communicating better and continuing to know Corey as we grow older and change as individuals. He is my best friend and the love of my life and I am not sure I make it known as much as a should just how much I love our life together. We have been through so much the past few months and it has made me realize just how much I have been missing by trying to plan for tomorrow instead of living for today. So from this day on I am going to find at least 5 things each day to be thankful for and am going to try and learn something new each and everyday. Somedays are harder then others but there is always something to learn and take away from those times. I am not going to forget about myself because I am the most important person in my life, if I am not good then I can't be good for anyone else. So my promise to myself is to be as healthy both mentally and physically as I possibly can. I am going to get down to my ideal weight, 10 lbs to go, but I am not going to diet just change what and how I eat good and I am going to get physical everyday wether it be the gym or dancing around the living room with Sophia. Most importantly I am going to get my mind healthy and start being more positive and keeping clarity. The main way is getting back to studying Buddhist philosophy which will also help with me being present. I for sure believe I have someone or something looking out for me so no longer I am going to take any day for granted. I have so much to be thankful for so now I am going to really try and enjoy it. I think everyone could take something out of being present. Life is short and has its ups and downs but boy its such an awesome journey that we are lucky to be on.

Changes

Well now that things are starting to get a little normal and we are getting back into some sort of routine the reality of what I just went through its starting to sink in. Before I leave the house I always put on my sun block and I always have a bottle in purse. But thats not the hard change to deal with. The other day we took Sophia to the pool and I noticed I was avoiding the sun like the plague. I sat on the side of the pool and watched Sophia and Corey in the water having so much fun and I started to cry. I wanted so badly to be in there playing around because the water is like my home but I was so scared that my sun block would wash off and I would be exposed to the sun to I stayed on the deck under the shade. Is this what my life is going to be like, Sophia playing outside and me just sitting on the sideline in the shade?? So much of our life is spent outside and we are such beach/pool people that its hard to be in the battle with the sun. I am not a cold weather person and could never see myself living anywhere that has a winter and I want more then anything to go back to California but will it be the same? Am I always going to be scared to be in the sun or is this just so new and fresh and it will eventually go away? It is so hard to try and deal with this when I want to badly to take Sophia to the pool and even the park but I am so scared to be outside. I don't want her to have to pay for my issues. But with the changes there are some positives. I have made a vow to myself that all I want to do is be as healthy as I possibly can and eat great, exercise and live everyday because who knows when it will be my last. I have been cleared for now and just because I had it once doesn't mean it will come back but it will always be on my mind and I will never look at my body the same. There are still many issues to deal with that I haven't even let myself think about and hopefully I will be able to face them and work through them but the one thing I can say I have learned from all this is there is nothing like the support from family and friends. I have never wanted sympathy or pity, and still don't, but to know that people care is such a great thing and to have the love and support of my amazing husband who has been my rock through all this I could not even explain. Hopefully the sun and I can some with some sort of agreement and I will get back in the water with Sophia because I miss the pool and I don't want her to pay for my issue. So with this vent of a post I want to leave with saying live your healthiest and learn something new everyday because life is super short and its such a beautiful journey so live it!! Love you all

Jet Lag

So after the worst experience trying to get back home to Spain we finally made it and I couldn't be happier. Nothing is better then taking a shower in your own shower and sleeping in your own bed. Though sleeping is now a big issue in the Foster house. After living in a hotel for the past five weeks we had no choice but to have Sophia sleep in the bed with us which is something we never planned on doing. Being in a hotel we couldn't just let her cry it out which we normally do at home so putting her in the bed with us was the only way we could keep her quiet and get some sleep. We thought okay once we got home we would do the same thing and just stick her in her crib and let her cry it out till she got used to sleeping by herself again but Sophia had other plans. Last night she figured out how to climb out of her crib and when we tried to get her to sleep in her big girl bed she wasn't tired because of the jet lag. Then tonight we get her down in her bed, after she fell asleep on the couch, then she woke up crying and we decided that we were just going to let her cry it out. And what do you know she figured out how to open her bedroom door which completely destroyed out plans. Now its 3 a.m and we are all up watching Bambi and we have no clue how we are going to do this transition of getting her used to sleeping alone in her big girl bed. She became such a good sleeper on her own in her crib and now its like we have to start all over. I wish I had super nanny to come help us do this transition because it sucks. But on a better note I am cancer free and I am starting to heal nicely!! Yay

Waiting

Well we have been in the states for a little over a week and it looks like we are going to be here for about another three weeks. It is nice to be in the states and it was great to see family but the waiting sucks. I am set to have surgery on wednesday and I am not going to lie I am scared. I am hoping that it will turn out fine and they will just have to remove the tumor but there is the reality that they just don't know yet. I know everyone means well by saying everything is going to be okay but in all honesty we just don't know yet. Until we find out if it has spread or not we can't say that things are going to be fine, the bottom line is until there is a final say that yes this is what stage I am in I am not going to say things are fine. I know things are looking positive but there is a chance that this could be worse and I am prepared for whatever is going to happen. I think the hardest thing about this is my mortality is realized and its something I have got to face. Hearing that even if I stay at a stage 2 there is a 25% chance I could die within the next 5 years is not an easy thing to take in. I know there is a lot worse cancers out there and melanoma isn't necessarily a death sentence but it is still cancer. I am scared of the chance of this spreading and becoming a stage 3 then having to do the chemo and the treatments and having our lives changed. I am trying to stay positive but I am also being realistic, until they go in there and test the lymph nodes we just don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that I am scared and I am not ready to leave this world but I am positive because I am young and healthy and its not as deep as it could be. The one thing I have promised myself is if we get through this and I turn out fine with a stage 2 I am going to do everything I possibly can to be healthy and live the best life possible because it is too short and you never know. I am so thankful for all the support and for my amazing husband and daughter. They are worth fighting this for and I tell you what I am going to kick cancers butt whatever the final diagnosis and take extraordinary care of my skin and body and mind!! Now all I can do is wait and find out how much of a fight I am going to have to put up!!

The "C" word

Before now I had always been scared to use the "c" word, cancer. I have had two other times in my life where I was told I was close to having cancer but it all turned out fine. So when I went in to get my mole removed I was excited when I didn't get any news back for a few weeks. They tell you no news is good news so in a way I forgot about it. But after this tuesday the "c" word is now going to forever be in my vocabulary. The whole thing is still sinking in, I think mainly because its so strange to think I have cancer. At this point its just skin cancer at stage 2 and we don't know yet if it had spread. But it still doesn't seem real because for me I think of cancer and I think of loosing your hair and the "look" of a cancer patient. But for me I feel just fine and besides the scar, which is going to get a lot larger. I don't feel sick and don't look sick on the outside but I have the strange nasty "c" word festering inside my skin, and hopefully just my skin.

The hardest thing I think right now is the thought of Sophia. Now that I have a melanoma she has a 50% greater chance of developing it. Its such a horrid feeling to know that she is also going to have to get her skin monitored closely as well because of me. Thousands of thoughts are going through my head but the ones that scare me the most are the ones that involve her. I am determined to live to 100 because I don't want to miss a moment of her life. I know this is not a death sentence and chances are I am going to be just fine but just the thought of missing anything is hard. But I will try and make this my last "c" word blog and start focusing on the other crazy happy thoughts in my head!! All I can say though is YAY for life.

Holly poop

Well yesterday I got the news that I was hoping not to hear, the doctor found a mole that in fact was melanoma. So to spare all the medical jargon I have to get more skin removed and possibly have some lymph nodes removed and just pray that it has not spread anywhere else. It is not a totally bad melanoma but its not great either. I am not sure what the future had in store and not really able to comprehend all of this yet all I know is they need to get in there and get all the crap out and I have to be super careful with my skin. I was never really a tanning bed person but I was a swimmer and spent the majority of my life outside but I have never had a sunburn, EVER. The reason I am putting this out there is not for sympathy its to make people aware. We all love that summer glow and a tan does look good but having a life long scar on your forehead and hearing you have skin cancer at 29 is not worth it.

Dream

Okay so today was a total bummer because I realized I was a day late to possibly make my life long dream come true!! Well let me first start with what my dream has been. From the time I was little I wanted to be in the olympics, I first wanted to be "Flo-Jo" and would run around the living room then I realized 1-I am white so that wouldn't work and 2-I can't run so that dream is done. Then I grew up swimming and dreamed of going for swimming but even though I have a great love of swimming I lack the competitive drive to push myself. I just love to swim and don't really care about winning. So now it is a dream of attending the games and seeing swimming in person. I must admit I am a total sap and cry at the medal ceremonies. Now in 2012 the games will be in London and being in Spain we are super close and I would love more then anything to go. But this morning when I went to look up the games and tickets I was a day late to get on the list for tickets!! Super poop. But hope is not lost I am going on every authorized website and signing up so in case there are some unsold tickets I can get them. I have no clue how much the hotels are going to cost or flights but all I know is if I don't try to go I will regret it forever, or until the games get back to the US. We all have life long dreams and though some may be obtainable and some not so much trying to get them is so worth it!! But with my dream there is another hurdle and that is finances, London is super expensive but is the dream worth going in a little for?? Do you suck it up and fork over the money knowing that the opportunity might not ever come again?? Well once July comes around and I can find out how much it will really cost my choice will be made. Can you put a price on a dream??