So done

Well today is the last day that I am going to be "fat". For the last 5-6 years my weight has gone up and for the most part stayed up and I am over it. I went through high school being skinny and even did a little modeling. Then in college I remained skinny and thanks to go-go dancing and partying I remained skinny and got the best body I have yet had. Then I graduated college, moved to California and slowed down activity wise but kept eating the same way I always had which consisted mostly of sweets and my favorite snack of coke and doritos. So even sense then it has been a battle for me to get back to an "acceptable" weight and for a little while I was doing really good.

That time was when I got pregnant and after I had Sophia. From the minute I found out I was pregnant I cut out everything bad in my diet and worked out everyday until three days before I gave birth. Then after I had her it was super easy to lose the weight because I was nursing and didn't want to give her any junk. So for a while I was doing okay but then we had a huge move to Spain and I started to add the unhealthy things back into my diet. And though for the most part I eat really healthy trying to buy everything organic and limit hardly anything processed. But I have an evil secret-I am an addict.

I am totally addicted to soda. I have been for years and during the pregnancy and a little while after giving birth was the only time I cut cold turkey. I do okay for a little while drinking one every now and then but I always fall off the wagon and go back to having one a day. I know how horrible it is for me and I justify it in my head by saying well I don't drink coffee or energy drinks so this is my vice. But really truly deep down I know that is a b.s excuse. So today after looking in the mirror and just feeling really bad about the way I looked I made the promise to myself the even though I am not pregnant I am worth being super healthy. I used Sophia as an excuse before because I wanted to be sure I was super healthy so she would be super healthy. But then for some reason I lost sight in the fact the I am worth it. So I am done. I am done despising the way I look and feeling like crap anytime I eat something unhealthy so I have no choice but to go full force and change my ways forever. I am not going to do some stupid diet or pay money for some pre paid meals I am going to clean the way I eat.

I do not need soda in my diet and I don't need to eat as much sugar at all. I have been working really hard on getting portion control under control and have been doing really good at eating less but now its to get back to eating great. Am I going to go cold turkey?? With the soda, yes I am but so I don't fall off the wagon right away I am not going deny a cheat meal. The one thing about the cheat meal I am going to change is try to make it a good cheat meal. For example if I want pizza make it at home so I know exactly what ingredients are in it and its not packed with grease. And will I allow myself a cookie or cupcake every now and then sure but the key is "every now and then" not every day or even every week. So here we go I am done treating my self and my body like poo.

I am worth it and do deserve to make sure my body is super healthy so the change starts now. I am done feeling like crap, looking like crap and treating my body like crap. No fad diet, no super cleanse (aka starvation week) but a change of life. One thing I have learned for sure is life is too short so why not do everything I can to make it the best life possible!!! So I am done, I quit, I am over it!!

The fight

Well my battle with sun is starting to go in my favor! Don't get me wrong it still scares me to be outside for long periods of time but I am starting to enjoy it again. The best thing that helped me gain confidence in going outside again is finding some cute SPF cloths to wear at the pool!! Granted I look a little strange wearing a long sleeve shirt and board shorts but hey I don't have to suck it in like I would if I were wearing a bikini!! And the fact that now I can get in the water with Sophia and Corey and play without too much worry is well worth the strange looks. The other thing that is getting better is my adjusting to wearing sunscreen every time I leave the house. I have found that out of the brands I have tried Banana Boat is by far the best, it is easy to put on and isn't too thick and it is also recommended by the skin cancer foundation (I think I should be a spokesmodel for them!). I also have found some cute hats and some good foundations that have a good SPF in them.Another thing is I have become much more aware of my body and my skin and even notice other peoples skin more.

I have to get a full body check every few months by the dermatologist which let me tell you is very strange but it has opened my eyes. I think there are other women out there who hate to stand in front of the mirror and look at themselves naked but now I am forced to all the time!! I need to be very aware of every mark, bump and mole and have a visual memory of where they all are. Super sucks but everyone should really be aware of their skin because it really can happen to anyone. But its not just knowing the look but being aware of how it feels.

I have noticed that in my quest for the best sunscreen I feel my skin more if that makes any sense. I can tell when I am outside and I need to apply more sunscreen because I feel a sort of tingle on my exposed skin from the sun telling me its getting through. Its so strange and hard to explain how it feels but it kind of like when you are outside and its a hot day and your skin gets hotter temperature wise and you can almost feel it cracking as the sun breaks down cells and either tans or burns your skin. Well to me what feeling tells brain is you need more sunscreen because the sun is making your skin sick not that its hot and I am getting a great tan. So next time you are at the beach sun bathing try to tune in and "feel" your skin. It is our largest and most exposed organ thats out there for everyone to see. And living here in Spain I have started to notice a lot more.

Living in a beach town where laying in the sun is a way of life I have really started to notice other peoples skin. For instance I was at the store oddly enough buying sunscreen and there was a lady who was probably 50 years old but she looked almost 70. It was like she was wearing a leather body suit covered in wrinkles and it looked like you could see her skin crack every time she moved. Did I mention she was tanned darker then my husband??!! I just thought to myself wow that does not look good or healthy. Now I am not going to be ones of those people who are like totally against going to the beach and laying out because I would be a total hyppocrate because that was one of my favorite past times and won't judge people who do, unless you are a grandma and do it topless on the beaches in Spain then I think its time to stop. I just want people to know and be smart about getting that "summer glow" because even though it looks good it can be deadly and skin cancer can happen to anyone. So okay I am getting off my venting stool and parting with my own advice to myself and that is to continue trying to win my battle with the sun and getting more confidence with being outside!! I will win!!