Bathroom

Okay so I have had a lot of time lately to sit around and think, a broken leg will do that to you, and a strange but I think reasonable question came to mind. When was it people decided to put their "out-houses" inside and who thought to put it next to the shower/bathtub?? I mean really why on earth do you clean yourself next to the same spot you poo?? Some newer houses, and mainly in the master bathroom, have a seperate room for the potty but I think all houses should have that. I have also heard that every time you flush thousands of icky particles are blasted into the air, and what is right next to that poo receptical?? The place you wash your body and where you brush your teeth and wash your hands!! Super ewe.

Now I understand having an outhouse could be quite inconvenient expecially if you live in a cold climate but with my husbands stink I would almost rather sacrifice the cold!! So to again to whoever the brilliant person was to move the outhouse into what should be the cleanest place in your home thank you!! If I ever win the lotto and have enough money to build my own house ALL the bathrooms will have an enclosed potty so to my future houseguests your welcome. And if I could go back in time I would tell that person how about we move the potty inside but make it a potty closet all by its merry lonesome self. I know poo is a tough subject to talk about but like I said this has come to mind in all the hours of immobility. Don't mean to ick anyone out but I think its a reasonable question.

*by the way I know i have spelling errors because well I suck at spelling but I cant get the stupid spell check off of Spanish!!

Lotto

Many of my friends who know me know that someday I plan on winning the lotto. Now I am well aware that its a thing of chance and I probably have a better chance of being hit by lightning but maybe if I will myself to believe we can win then someday it will happen. Before I start sounding like one of those crazy people who want to be silly rich let me explain what I plan on doing with the money.

The very first thing I want to do is call my parents and my in-laws and tell them to retire and stop working!! Honestly that would be the greatest thing to be able to tell my parents to just sit back and relax and enjoy life. And to be able to have the in-laws visit whenever they want instead of just being able to see them once a year. How awesome would that be!!

Then I would want to put money away so we can send Sophia to whatever college she wants and be able to go to school and not worry about working or student loans. Then we can also have another child and be sure that they will also be set for the future. And maybe just maybe adopt another child.

Then for us I would want the American dream of owning our own home. Now I am not talking about a mansion because honestly I think huge houses are a wast of space. I would just like something we can pay for out right and never have to worry about a mortgage and something larger than 1100 square feet. We have moved up in the world, our first apartment was about 650 square feet, but my dream is to have double sinks and a walk in closet.

And depending on how much we win helping out other family members and donating to worthy charities. For some reason the number 96 million has always been in my head and I have literally had a dream where we won the exact amount of 96 million. That would be amazing but holly cow what would you do with all that money??!! I know I could find a way but to be honest I would be super happy with one million.

I will say that I am incredibly happy with where our life is now, we have a roof over our head and food on the table. I don't just expect things to get handed to me and I do look forward to getting back to work, doing what I don't know, but something tells me we will win!! Its just my silly wishful thinking and there are not too many people would not like to win but the thought of helping out the people we love the most would be fantastic!! So here is to wishful thinking :-)

Parenting

Okay so yesterday I was reading an article about how people still have that stigma for parents who only want one child and it really got my brain working. First off at this point I am still not sure I want another child and there are various reasons for why. But in a nut shell I have always thought that to be a parent means to give your kid/s the best life possible and for me I am not sure if I have another child I would be able to give both the type of lives I think they would deserve. So when I tell people that I am not sure about having another child and if I do it will not be for a while I almost always get a response. And parents out there you know how it is when you have one child the question of having another starts just after they leave the womb.

I had a lady, who I had just met, ask me when we were going to have another and when I told her I didn't think I wanted another she told me I "owed it to Sophia to have another"!! And after reading that article I remembered that conversation and it got my blood boiling. Where does it say that to have a perfect family you need 2 kids, a dog and a partridge in a pear tree?? Does every child need a sibling because I owe it to them?? I mean seriously if I chose not have another child does that mean Sophia is going to be an unfulfilled person? I know some only children that have grown up fine and who haven't complained about not having a sibling and I also know people with siblings they don't get along with and could care less about.

Then there is the stigma that only children will grow up to be spoiled. Really??!! I want to be able to spoil my child and give her the best life possible but does that mean she is going to be a brat?? No. I am a believer that you can be spoiled without being a brat because for some reason the two always go together but thats a whole other post. And so what if I want to spoil my child, its MY child. And this is where my blood starts to boil.

Where does this "right" that some people think they have to tell me who to parent my child? If this total stranger was telling me I owe it to my child to give her a sibling then does that mean I am a bad parent for maybe not giving her one?? I think not. And this goes back to my point before on how people ask almost just after you have the first one when you are going to have another. Last time I checked it was my body and my life and if I chose not to push another out then that is my choice. Everyone has their own life and can make their own choices and I wish people would get over these stigmas. If I only want one kid then let it be. And if you know couples who chose not to have kids the same thing, let them be. There is no rule that says to be satisfied you need a husband, a wife, 2 kids and a dog!! I have a husband, two dogs and one child and I couldn't be happier. Could I change my mind one day and want another kid sure, I know my husband eventually does, but if I don't change my mind get off my back. It doesn't mean I am a bad mom and Sophia is going to grow up troubled it means I am a human and making a choice on what I want and think is best for my life. Stigmas and taboo's are bull shit bull shit bull shit. We are all different and we should embrace it instead of box it.

How ironic

So the day after my last post where I talked about being so nervous about the results I run into my dermatologist and find out the results came back negative!!! Super duper relief and finally a chance to breath again. This whole experience has been a roller coaster of emotions and even though it will never fully be over I am determined to not let it control or consume me. Which brings me to this new years resolution thing.

This past year has gone by super fast mainly due to all the health things I have had to deal with but I think have learned more in this past year then in the past 29. So for the upcoming 2012 my resolution is to make it about me!! Selfish I know but it is for a reason. I want to be a better wife, mother, friend, family member and all around person. And the way to do that is to make sure I am the healthiest person possible both inside and out. I am a true believer that you need to be physically, mentally and emotionally healthy to achieve real happiness. So that is what I am going to try and do. No silly weight loss resolution, though I do need to lose some weight, my goal is not to be skinny but healthy!!

This life I have been given has been so amazing from being adopted into the most amazing family ever to meeting my biological dad, from meeting my soul mate on the street in Waikiki to having the most wonderful daughter ever, from all the amazing friends I have made over the years to the wonderful cousins/in-laws/extended family I have and finally to beating melanoma. I love every experience I have had thus far and look forward to all I have yet to experience so my resolution is to myself so I can live/love every moment that is to come and I can't do that if I am less then 100%.

So I will try and be the best I can be and to everyone important in my life (and you know who you are) I love you and appreciate you and am so thankful for you!! Happy New Year everyone!!

Trying to be positive

Well as I sit and wait to find out the latest biopsy results I keep trying to be positive but there is one thing that I just can't get out of my mind. When I was going through the original diagnosis the common thing I kept hearing was "5 year survivability" and now I can't get it out of my head. Though out of the stages of cancer I was "lucky" to get the stage IIA because there is an 85% 5 year survivability rate there is still that other 15% chance of not surviving. Now I am not thinking I am going die or anything but the thought has really been crossing my mind of having to make it through the next five years when there is a chance its back after only 6 months. I think bad things like if it spread to my brian and I don't know it yet. I mean my forehead is not far from my brain so how do I know. There are just so many thoughts that pop into my head that are super hard to think about and even harder to talk about. Its hard to open up when friends and loved ones want me to be positive and I don't want to let them down by talking about the possible realities so I keep it in.

I guess the reason I am putting it out now is because everyday that I look at my beautiful girl it comes into my mind how much I have to live for. In studying Buddhism in college the one thing that I learned that has totally changed me is "to really appreciate life you must accept that everything in this world will die". It is a sad thing to think but its true everything including ourselves will eventually die but you never really think it can happen soon, at least I never did. I accepted that my loves will eventually die so I have really appreciated every second I have with them but I never really thought of myself. Now that stupid 5 year survivability statistic is a constant in my mind and my response is no way, I am not ready to go yet because there is way too much I have to live for. I will make it to 90 years old and I will see my princess graduate high school and college and get married and have her own little ones and I will cherish every second I have with her. I have been so lucky to have a husband who lets me be a stay at home mom and I never thought I would say this but I wouldn't want to do anything else right now.

I will probably end up just fine but the scary thoughts still come because they are still a possible reality but I will not let it consume me. I have too much to live for and I will enjoy every minute because you really never know when it will end, but for me I still have a good 60 years in me!!! So to my friends please understand if somedays I am not as happy as normal and seem a little negative. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyones kind words and positive encouragement. It really shows you when you are going through a tough time who the true friends are even if they old or new they are the true friends!! Love love love life because it is such a beautiful and finite thing!! much love <3

Harry Potter

So the past few days I have really been able to relate to Harry Potter, my scar has had random moments of burning pain!! The joy of having your forehead cut open more then once is the nerve endings get all messed up so I have these random phantom pains. Its super strange because there is a certain spot just above the scar that if I touch I can feel tingles all the way to the back of my head, its really strange. The ones that hurt the most are the pains from my "face lift" scar.

I have gotten most of the feeling and movement back in my lower jaw from the surgery but there are still some numb tingly spots and one spot on my jaw that hurts if you rub it the wrong way. The way I found that spot out was when I putting on my makeup and brushed towards my ear and it hurt!! Then today Sophia accidentally hit it with her elbow it and felt like Mike Tyson jabbed my jaw. The thing that gets me is do the women that elect to have a face lift get pains like this as well?

That is one thing for sure that all these procedures have showed me is I don't think I will ever want Botox or a face lift. There has never been a stranger feeling as when I didn't have any movement in my forehead for a few hours and I couldn't show any emotion. All I wanted to do was cry but it was so hard because my face was stuck!! I felt so unnatural and strange that I really don't think I could do it again. Then with the face lift thing I am all ready a head of the game with basically having a partial one but the after effects are so not worth it. So I told Corey when I get older and say I am thinking about Botox or plastic surgery to remind me of this experience. Which is also why I am putting all this out there because who knows if he will remember so I am leaving it up to myself to document all these little things like my Harry Potter moments so when vanity gets the best of me I can ask myself if its really worth it??!! For me I am learning the hard way that its really not worth it :-)

Here we go again

Well I have almost been six months cancer free but this week we found out some not so good news. A freckle that I had removed from the scar of my original melanoma site came back as abnormal with some other medical jargon so the doctor had to back and cut even more tissue out. Here is where the worry comes, if it comes back positive for melanoma then it will be considered a recurrence which is not good at all and means we would have to move back to the states so I could get the proper treatment. That treatment would involve removing even more tissue, which I am running low on, and the melanoma version of chemo. The one good thing is the chemo treatment for melanoma is not as bad and taxing on the body. The bad thing is we have to wait yet again to see if life will go on as normal or be turned upside down. Thats the hard part is the emotional side of this process, its a full on roller coaster and for the next five years which are the most crucial its probably going to continue that way. I really truly don't want pity I just wish and hope that I can get through to at least one person the importance of taking care of your skin. Never in a million years did I think at 30 I would be dealing with skin cancer but I am and it really can happen to anyone. So I am going to continue to preach about wearing at least a broad spectrum sunscreen with SPF 30 because a nice tan is not worth it. My head has been cut open three times all ready and I am lucky my eyebrow is somewhat even with the other one. So please if you use a tanning bed stop and if you know people who do tell them my story and hopefully they will stop. It really is not worth it. Just remember SPF 30!!!