Trying to be positive

Well as I sit and wait to find out the latest biopsy results I keep trying to be positive but there is one thing that I just can't get out of my mind. When I was going through the original diagnosis the common thing I kept hearing was "5 year survivability" and now I can't get it out of my head. Though out of the stages of cancer I was "lucky" to get the stage IIA because there is an 85% 5 year survivability rate there is still that other 15% chance of not surviving. Now I am not thinking I am going die or anything but the thought has really been crossing my mind of having to make it through the next five years when there is a chance its back after only 6 months. I think bad things like if it spread to my brian and I don't know it yet. I mean my forehead is not far from my brain so how do I know. There are just so many thoughts that pop into my head that are super hard to think about and even harder to talk about. Its hard to open up when friends and loved ones want me to be positive and I don't want to let them down by talking about the possible realities so I keep it in.

I guess the reason I am putting it out now is because everyday that I look at my beautiful girl it comes into my mind how much I have to live for. In studying Buddhism in college the one thing that I learned that has totally changed me is "to really appreciate life you must accept that everything in this world will die". It is a sad thing to think but its true everything including ourselves will eventually die but you never really think it can happen soon, at least I never did. I accepted that my loves will eventually die so I have really appreciated every second I have with them but I never really thought of myself. Now that stupid 5 year survivability statistic is a constant in my mind and my response is no way, I am not ready to go yet because there is way too much I have to live for. I will make it to 90 years old and I will see my princess graduate high school and college and get married and have her own little ones and I will cherish every second I have with her. I have been so lucky to have a husband who lets me be a stay at home mom and I never thought I would say this but I wouldn't want to do anything else right now.

I will probably end up just fine but the scary thoughts still come because they are still a possible reality but I will not let it consume me. I have too much to live for and I will enjoy every minute because you really never know when it will end, but for me I still have a good 60 years in me!!! So to my friends please understand if somedays I am not as happy as normal and seem a little negative. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyones kind words and positive encouragement. It really shows you when you are going through a tough time who the true friends are even if they old or new they are the true friends!! Love love love life because it is such a beautiful and finite thing!! much love <3