Waiting

Well we have been in the states for a little over a week and it looks like we are going to be here for about another three weeks. It is nice to be in the states and it was great to see family but the waiting sucks. I am set to have surgery on wednesday and I am not going to lie I am scared. I am hoping that it will turn out fine and they will just have to remove the tumor but there is the reality that they just don't know yet. I know everyone means well by saying everything is going to be okay but in all honesty we just don't know yet. Until we find out if it has spread or not we can't say that things are going to be fine, the bottom line is until there is a final say that yes this is what stage I am in I am not going to say things are fine. I know things are looking positive but there is a chance that this could be worse and I am prepared for whatever is going to happen. I think the hardest thing about this is my mortality is realized and its something I have got to face. Hearing that even if I stay at a stage 2 there is a 25% chance I could die within the next 5 years is not an easy thing to take in. I know there is a lot worse cancers out there and melanoma isn't necessarily a death sentence but it is still cancer. I am scared of the chance of this spreading and becoming a stage 3 then having to do the chemo and the treatments and having our lives changed. I am trying to stay positive but I am also being realistic, until they go in there and test the lymph nodes we just don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that I am scared and I am not ready to leave this world but I am positive because I am young and healthy and its not as deep as it could be. The one thing I have promised myself is if we get through this and I turn out fine with a stage 2 I am going to do everything I possibly can to be healthy and live the best life possible because it is too short and you never know. I am so thankful for all the support and for my amazing husband and daughter. They are worth fighting this for and I tell you what I am going to kick cancers butt whatever the final diagnosis and take extraordinary care of my skin and body and mind!! Now all I can do is wait and find out how much of a fight I am going to have to put up!!

The "C" word

Before now I had always been scared to use the "c" word, cancer. I have had two other times in my life where I was told I was close to having cancer but it all turned out fine. So when I went in to get my mole removed I was excited when I didn't get any news back for a few weeks. They tell you no news is good news so in a way I forgot about it. But after this tuesday the "c" word is now going to forever be in my vocabulary. The whole thing is still sinking in, I think mainly because its so strange to think I have cancer. At this point its just skin cancer at stage 2 and we don't know yet if it had spread. But it still doesn't seem real because for me I think of cancer and I think of loosing your hair and the "look" of a cancer patient. But for me I feel just fine and besides the scar, which is going to get a lot larger. I don't feel sick and don't look sick on the outside but I have the strange nasty "c" word festering inside my skin, and hopefully just my skin.

The hardest thing I think right now is the thought of Sophia. Now that I have a melanoma she has a 50% greater chance of developing it. Its such a horrid feeling to know that she is also going to have to get her skin monitored closely as well because of me. Thousands of thoughts are going through my head but the ones that scare me the most are the ones that involve her. I am determined to live to 100 because I don't want to miss a moment of her life. I know this is not a death sentence and chances are I am going to be just fine but just the thought of missing anything is hard. But I will try and make this my last "c" word blog and start focusing on the other crazy happy thoughts in my head!! All I can say though is YAY for life.

Holly poop

Well yesterday I got the news that I was hoping not to hear, the doctor found a mole that in fact was melanoma. So to spare all the medical jargon I have to get more skin removed and possibly have some lymph nodes removed and just pray that it has not spread anywhere else. It is not a totally bad melanoma but its not great either. I am not sure what the future had in store and not really able to comprehend all of this yet all I know is they need to get in there and get all the crap out and I have to be super careful with my skin. I was never really a tanning bed person but I was a swimmer and spent the majority of my life outside but I have never had a sunburn, EVER. The reason I am putting this out there is not for sympathy its to make people aware. We all love that summer glow and a tan does look good but having a life long scar on your forehead and hearing you have skin cancer at 29 is not worth it.