How ironic

So the day after my last post where I talked about being so nervous about the results I run into my dermatologist and find out the results came back negative!!! Super duper relief and finally a chance to breath again. This whole experience has been a roller coaster of emotions and even though it will never fully be over I am determined to not let it control or consume me. Which brings me to this new years resolution thing.

This past year has gone by super fast mainly due to all the health things I have had to deal with but I think have learned more in this past year then in the past 29. So for the upcoming 2012 my resolution is to make it about me!! Selfish I know but it is for a reason. I want to be a better wife, mother, friend, family member and all around person. And the way to do that is to make sure I am the healthiest person possible both inside and out. I am a true believer that you need to be physically, mentally and emotionally healthy to achieve real happiness. So that is what I am going to try and do. No silly weight loss resolution, though I do need to lose some weight, my goal is not to be skinny but healthy!!

This life I have been given has been so amazing from being adopted into the most amazing family ever to meeting my biological dad, from meeting my soul mate on the street in Waikiki to having the most wonderful daughter ever, from all the amazing friends I have made over the years to the wonderful cousins/in-laws/extended family I have and finally to beating melanoma. I love every experience I have had thus far and look forward to all I have yet to experience so my resolution is to myself so I can live/love every moment that is to come and I can't do that if I am less then 100%.

So I will try and be the best I can be and to everyone important in my life (and you know who you are) I love you and appreciate you and am so thankful for you!! Happy New Year everyone!!

Trying to be positive

Well as I sit and wait to find out the latest biopsy results I keep trying to be positive but there is one thing that I just can't get out of my mind. When I was going through the original diagnosis the common thing I kept hearing was "5 year survivability" and now I can't get it out of my head. Though out of the stages of cancer I was "lucky" to get the stage IIA because there is an 85% 5 year survivability rate there is still that other 15% chance of not surviving. Now I am not thinking I am going die or anything but the thought has really been crossing my mind of having to make it through the next five years when there is a chance its back after only 6 months. I think bad things like if it spread to my brian and I don't know it yet. I mean my forehead is not far from my brain so how do I know. There are just so many thoughts that pop into my head that are super hard to think about and even harder to talk about. Its hard to open up when friends and loved ones want me to be positive and I don't want to let them down by talking about the possible realities so I keep it in.

I guess the reason I am putting it out now is because everyday that I look at my beautiful girl it comes into my mind how much I have to live for. In studying Buddhism in college the one thing that I learned that has totally changed me is "to really appreciate life you must accept that everything in this world will die". It is a sad thing to think but its true everything including ourselves will eventually die but you never really think it can happen soon, at least I never did. I accepted that my loves will eventually die so I have really appreciated every second I have with them but I never really thought of myself. Now that stupid 5 year survivability statistic is a constant in my mind and my response is no way, I am not ready to go yet because there is way too much I have to live for. I will make it to 90 years old and I will see my princess graduate high school and college and get married and have her own little ones and I will cherish every second I have with her. I have been so lucky to have a husband who lets me be a stay at home mom and I never thought I would say this but I wouldn't want to do anything else right now.

I will probably end up just fine but the scary thoughts still come because they are still a possible reality but I will not let it consume me. I have too much to live for and I will enjoy every minute because you really never know when it will end, but for me I still have a good 60 years in me!!! So to my friends please understand if somedays I am not as happy as normal and seem a little negative. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyones kind words and positive encouragement. It really shows you when you are going through a tough time who the true friends are even if they old or new they are the true friends!! Love love love life because it is such a beautiful and finite thing!! much love <3

Harry Potter

So the past few days I have really been able to relate to Harry Potter, my scar has had random moments of burning pain!! The joy of having your forehead cut open more then once is the nerve endings get all messed up so I have these random phantom pains. Its super strange because there is a certain spot just above the scar that if I touch I can feel tingles all the way to the back of my head, its really strange. The ones that hurt the most are the pains from my "face lift" scar.

I have gotten most of the feeling and movement back in my lower jaw from the surgery but there are still some numb tingly spots and one spot on my jaw that hurts if you rub it the wrong way. The way I found that spot out was when I putting on my makeup and brushed towards my ear and it hurt!! Then today Sophia accidentally hit it with her elbow it and felt like Mike Tyson jabbed my jaw. The thing that gets me is do the women that elect to have a face lift get pains like this as well?

That is one thing for sure that all these procedures have showed me is I don't think I will ever want Botox or a face lift. There has never been a stranger feeling as when I didn't have any movement in my forehead for a few hours and I couldn't show any emotion. All I wanted to do was cry but it was so hard because my face was stuck!! I felt so unnatural and strange that I really don't think I could do it again. Then with the face lift thing I am all ready a head of the game with basically having a partial one but the after effects are so not worth it. So I told Corey when I get older and say I am thinking about Botox or plastic surgery to remind me of this experience. Which is also why I am putting all this out there because who knows if he will remember so I am leaving it up to myself to document all these little things like my Harry Potter moments so when vanity gets the best of me I can ask myself if its really worth it??!! For me I am learning the hard way that its really not worth it :-)

Here we go again

Well I have almost been six months cancer free but this week we found out some not so good news. A freckle that I had removed from the scar of my original melanoma site came back as abnormal with some other medical jargon so the doctor had to back and cut even more tissue out. Here is where the worry comes, if it comes back positive for melanoma then it will be considered a recurrence which is not good at all and means we would have to move back to the states so I could get the proper treatment. That treatment would involve removing even more tissue, which I am running low on, and the melanoma version of chemo. The one good thing is the chemo treatment for melanoma is not as bad and taxing on the body. The bad thing is we have to wait yet again to see if life will go on as normal or be turned upside down. Thats the hard part is the emotional side of this process, its a full on roller coaster and for the next five years which are the most crucial its probably going to continue that way. I really truly don't want pity I just wish and hope that I can get through to at least one person the importance of taking care of your skin. Never in a million years did I think at 30 I would be dealing with skin cancer but I am and it really can happen to anyone. So I am going to continue to preach about wearing at least a broad spectrum sunscreen with SPF 30 because a nice tan is not worth it. My head has been cut open three times all ready and I am lucky my eyebrow is somewhat even with the other one. So please if you use a tanning bed stop and if you know people who do tell them my story and hopefully they will stop. It really is not worth it. Just remember SPF 30!!!