How ironic

So the day after my last post where I talked about being so nervous about the results I run into my dermatologist and find out the results came back negative!!! Super duper relief and finally a chance to breath again. This whole experience has been a roller coaster of emotions and even though it will never fully be over I am determined to not let it control or consume me. Which brings me to this new years resolution thing.

This past year has gone by super fast mainly due to all the health things I have had to deal with but I think have learned more in this past year then in the past 29. So for the upcoming 2012 my resolution is to make it about me!! Selfish I know but it is for a reason. I want to be a better wife, mother, friend, family member and all around person. And the way to do that is to make sure I am the healthiest person possible both inside and out. I am a true believer that you need to be physically, mentally and emotionally healthy to achieve real happiness. So that is what I am going to try and do. No silly weight loss resolution, though I do need to lose some weight, my goal is not to be skinny but healthy!!

This life I have been given has been so amazing from being adopted into the most amazing family ever to meeting my biological dad, from meeting my soul mate on the street in Waikiki to having the most wonderful daughter ever, from all the amazing friends I have made over the years to the wonderful cousins/in-laws/extended family I have and finally to beating melanoma. I love every experience I have had thus far and look forward to all I have yet to experience so my resolution is to myself so I can live/love every moment that is to come and I can't do that if I am less then 100%.

So I will try and be the best I can be and to everyone important in my life (and you know who you are) I love you and appreciate you and am so thankful for you!! Happy New Year everyone!!

Trying to be positive

Well as I sit and wait to find out the latest biopsy results I keep trying to be positive but there is one thing that I just can't get out of my mind. When I was going through the original diagnosis the common thing I kept hearing was "5 year survivability" and now I can't get it out of my head. Though out of the stages of cancer I was "lucky" to get the stage IIA because there is an 85% 5 year survivability rate there is still that other 15% chance of not surviving. Now I am not thinking I am going die or anything but the thought has really been crossing my mind of having to make it through the next five years when there is a chance its back after only 6 months. I think bad things like if it spread to my brian and I don't know it yet. I mean my forehead is not far from my brain so how do I know. There are just so many thoughts that pop into my head that are super hard to think about and even harder to talk about. Its hard to open up when friends and loved ones want me to be positive and I don't want to let them down by talking about the possible realities so I keep it in.

I guess the reason I am putting it out now is because everyday that I look at my beautiful girl it comes into my mind how much I have to live for. In studying Buddhism in college the one thing that I learned that has totally changed me is "to really appreciate life you must accept that everything in this world will die". It is a sad thing to think but its true everything including ourselves will eventually die but you never really think it can happen soon, at least I never did. I accepted that my loves will eventually die so I have really appreciated every second I have with them but I never really thought of myself. Now that stupid 5 year survivability statistic is a constant in my mind and my response is no way, I am not ready to go yet because there is way too much I have to live for. I will make it to 90 years old and I will see my princess graduate high school and college and get married and have her own little ones and I will cherish every second I have with her. I have been so lucky to have a husband who lets me be a stay at home mom and I never thought I would say this but I wouldn't want to do anything else right now.

I will probably end up just fine but the scary thoughts still come because they are still a possible reality but I will not let it consume me. I have too much to live for and I will enjoy every minute because you really never know when it will end, but for me I still have a good 60 years in me!!! So to my friends please understand if somedays I am not as happy as normal and seem a little negative. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyones kind words and positive encouragement. It really shows you when you are going through a tough time who the true friends are even if they old or new they are the true friends!! Love love love life because it is such a beautiful and finite thing!! much love <3

Harry Potter

So the past few days I have really been able to relate to Harry Potter, my scar has had random moments of burning pain!! The joy of having your forehead cut open more then once is the nerve endings get all messed up so I have these random phantom pains. Its super strange because there is a certain spot just above the scar that if I touch I can feel tingles all the way to the back of my head, its really strange. The ones that hurt the most are the pains from my "face lift" scar.

I have gotten most of the feeling and movement back in my lower jaw from the surgery but there are still some numb tingly spots and one spot on my jaw that hurts if you rub it the wrong way. The way I found that spot out was when I putting on my makeup and brushed towards my ear and it hurt!! Then today Sophia accidentally hit it with her elbow it and felt like Mike Tyson jabbed my jaw. The thing that gets me is do the women that elect to have a face lift get pains like this as well?

That is one thing for sure that all these procedures have showed me is I don't think I will ever want Botox or a face lift. There has never been a stranger feeling as when I didn't have any movement in my forehead for a few hours and I couldn't show any emotion. All I wanted to do was cry but it was so hard because my face was stuck!! I felt so unnatural and strange that I really don't think I could do it again. Then with the face lift thing I am all ready a head of the game with basically having a partial one but the after effects are so not worth it. So I told Corey when I get older and say I am thinking about Botox or plastic surgery to remind me of this experience. Which is also why I am putting all this out there because who knows if he will remember so I am leaving it up to myself to document all these little things like my Harry Potter moments so when vanity gets the best of me I can ask myself if its really worth it??!! For me I am learning the hard way that its really not worth it :-)

Here we go again

Well I have almost been six months cancer free but this week we found out some not so good news. A freckle that I had removed from the scar of my original melanoma site came back as abnormal with some other medical jargon so the doctor had to back and cut even more tissue out. Here is where the worry comes, if it comes back positive for melanoma then it will be considered a recurrence which is not good at all and means we would have to move back to the states so I could get the proper treatment. That treatment would involve removing even more tissue, which I am running low on, and the melanoma version of chemo. The one good thing is the chemo treatment for melanoma is not as bad and taxing on the body. The bad thing is we have to wait yet again to see if life will go on as normal or be turned upside down. Thats the hard part is the emotional side of this process, its a full on roller coaster and for the next five years which are the most crucial its probably going to continue that way. I really truly don't want pity I just wish and hope that I can get through to at least one person the importance of taking care of your skin. Never in a million years did I think at 30 I would be dealing with skin cancer but I am and it really can happen to anyone. So I am going to continue to preach about wearing at least a broad spectrum sunscreen with SPF 30 because a nice tan is not worth it. My head has been cut open three times all ready and I am lucky my eyebrow is somewhat even with the other one. So please if you use a tanning bed stop and if you know people who do tell them my story and hopefully they will stop. It really is not worth it. Just remember SPF 30!!!

So done

Well today is the last day that I am going to be "fat". For the last 5-6 years my weight has gone up and for the most part stayed up and I am over it. I went through high school being skinny and even did a little modeling. Then in college I remained skinny and thanks to go-go dancing and partying I remained skinny and got the best body I have yet had. Then I graduated college, moved to California and slowed down activity wise but kept eating the same way I always had which consisted mostly of sweets and my favorite snack of coke and doritos. So even sense then it has been a battle for me to get back to an "acceptable" weight and for a little while I was doing really good.

That time was when I got pregnant and after I had Sophia. From the minute I found out I was pregnant I cut out everything bad in my diet and worked out everyday until three days before I gave birth. Then after I had her it was super easy to lose the weight because I was nursing and didn't want to give her any junk. So for a while I was doing okay but then we had a huge move to Spain and I started to add the unhealthy things back into my diet. And though for the most part I eat really healthy trying to buy everything organic and limit hardly anything processed. But I have an evil secret-I am an addict.

I am totally addicted to soda. I have been for years and during the pregnancy and a little while after giving birth was the only time I cut cold turkey. I do okay for a little while drinking one every now and then but I always fall off the wagon and go back to having one a day. I know how horrible it is for me and I justify it in my head by saying well I don't drink coffee or energy drinks so this is my vice. But really truly deep down I know that is a b.s excuse. So today after looking in the mirror and just feeling really bad about the way I looked I made the promise to myself the even though I am not pregnant I am worth being super healthy. I used Sophia as an excuse before because I wanted to be sure I was super healthy so she would be super healthy. But then for some reason I lost sight in the fact the I am worth it. So I am done. I am done despising the way I look and feeling like crap anytime I eat something unhealthy so I have no choice but to go full force and change my ways forever. I am not going to do some stupid diet or pay money for some pre paid meals I am going to clean the way I eat.

I do not need soda in my diet and I don't need to eat as much sugar at all. I have been working really hard on getting portion control under control and have been doing really good at eating less but now its to get back to eating great. Am I going to go cold turkey?? With the soda, yes I am but so I don't fall off the wagon right away I am not going deny a cheat meal. The one thing about the cheat meal I am going to change is try to make it a good cheat meal. For example if I want pizza make it at home so I know exactly what ingredients are in it and its not packed with grease. And will I allow myself a cookie or cupcake every now and then sure but the key is "every now and then" not every day or even every week. So here we go I am done treating my self and my body like poo.

I am worth it and do deserve to make sure my body is super healthy so the change starts now. I am done feeling like crap, looking like crap and treating my body like crap. No fad diet, no super cleanse (aka starvation week) but a change of life. One thing I have learned for sure is life is too short so why not do everything I can to make it the best life possible!!! So I am done, I quit, I am over it!!

The fight

Well my battle with sun is starting to go in my favor! Don't get me wrong it still scares me to be outside for long periods of time but I am starting to enjoy it again. The best thing that helped me gain confidence in going outside again is finding some cute SPF cloths to wear at the pool!! Granted I look a little strange wearing a long sleeve shirt and board shorts but hey I don't have to suck it in like I would if I were wearing a bikini!! And the fact that now I can get in the water with Sophia and Corey and play without too much worry is well worth the strange looks. The other thing that is getting better is my adjusting to wearing sunscreen every time I leave the house. I have found that out of the brands I have tried Banana Boat is by far the best, it is easy to put on and isn't too thick and it is also recommended by the skin cancer foundation (I think I should be a spokesmodel for them!). I also have found some cute hats and some good foundations that have a good SPF in them.Another thing is I have become much more aware of my body and my skin and even notice other peoples skin more.

I have to get a full body check every few months by the dermatologist which let me tell you is very strange but it has opened my eyes. I think there are other women out there who hate to stand in front of the mirror and look at themselves naked but now I am forced to all the time!! I need to be very aware of every mark, bump and mole and have a visual memory of where they all are. Super sucks but everyone should really be aware of their skin because it really can happen to anyone. But its not just knowing the look but being aware of how it feels.

I have noticed that in my quest for the best sunscreen I feel my skin more if that makes any sense. I can tell when I am outside and I need to apply more sunscreen because I feel a sort of tingle on my exposed skin from the sun telling me its getting through. Its so strange and hard to explain how it feels but it kind of like when you are outside and its a hot day and your skin gets hotter temperature wise and you can almost feel it cracking as the sun breaks down cells and either tans or burns your skin. Well to me what feeling tells brain is you need more sunscreen because the sun is making your skin sick not that its hot and I am getting a great tan. So next time you are at the beach sun bathing try to tune in and "feel" your skin. It is our largest and most exposed organ thats out there for everyone to see. And living here in Spain I have started to notice a lot more.

Living in a beach town where laying in the sun is a way of life I have really started to notice other peoples skin. For instance I was at the store oddly enough buying sunscreen and there was a lady who was probably 50 years old but she looked almost 70. It was like she was wearing a leather body suit covered in wrinkles and it looked like you could see her skin crack every time she moved. Did I mention she was tanned darker then my husband??!! I just thought to myself wow that does not look good or healthy. Now I am not going to be ones of those people who are like totally against going to the beach and laying out because I would be a total hyppocrate because that was one of my favorite past times and won't judge people who do, unless you are a grandma and do it topless on the beaches in Spain then I think its time to stop. I just want people to know and be smart about getting that "summer glow" because even though it looks good it can be deadly and skin cancer can happen to anyone. So okay I am getting off my venting stool and parting with my own advice to myself and that is to continue trying to win my battle with the sun and getting more confidence with being outside!! I will win!!

Tomorrow is a new day

Well I have started to make a promise to myself and I am going to start living it. I want to make sure that I try and live everyday as if it were my last and be PRESENT. I think for most of my life I have been living today to set myself up for something in the future instead of really enjoying everyday as it comes. I think now its more important then ever to live in the present because of Sophia. She is all ready growing up so fast and though I have been so blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom and see every big moment so far I feel like there are days where I am just looking forward to nap time or counting down till bed time instead of really enjoying the time I have with her. Some days are harder then others but my gosh she is such a love and so smart and just an awesome little person and I feel like I really need to focus on just hanging out with my baby girl. It won't be long until she no longer wants to hang out with me and watch a movie or read a book or color so I am going to make it a point to be present with her every single day.

Another aspect of my life that I want to be more present at is my marriage. Its not like we have a bad marriage, its actually great but I need to focus on communicating better and continuing to know Corey as we grow older and change as individuals. He is my best friend and the love of my life and I am not sure I make it known as much as a should just how much I love our life together. We have been through so much the past few months and it has made me realize just how much I have been missing by trying to plan for tomorrow instead of living for today. So from this day on I am going to find at least 5 things each day to be thankful for and am going to try and learn something new each and everyday. Somedays are harder then others but there is always something to learn and take away from those times. I am not going to forget about myself because I am the most important person in my life, if I am not good then I can't be good for anyone else. So my promise to myself is to be as healthy both mentally and physically as I possibly can. I am going to get down to my ideal weight, 10 lbs to go, but I am not going to diet just change what and how I eat good and I am going to get physical everyday wether it be the gym or dancing around the living room with Sophia. Most importantly I am going to get my mind healthy and start being more positive and keeping clarity. The main way is getting back to studying Buddhist philosophy which will also help with me being present. I for sure believe I have someone or something looking out for me so no longer I am going to take any day for granted. I have so much to be thankful for so now I am going to really try and enjoy it. I think everyone could take something out of being present. Life is short and has its ups and downs but boy its such an awesome journey that we are lucky to be on.

Changes

Well now that things are starting to get a little normal and we are getting back into some sort of routine the reality of what I just went through its starting to sink in. Before I leave the house I always put on my sun block and I always have a bottle in purse. But thats not the hard change to deal with. The other day we took Sophia to the pool and I noticed I was avoiding the sun like the plague. I sat on the side of the pool and watched Sophia and Corey in the water having so much fun and I started to cry. I wanted so badly to be in there playing around because the water is like my home but I was so scared that my sun block would wash off and I would be exposed to the sun to I stayed on the deck under the shade. Is this what my life is going to be like, Sophia playing outside and me just sitting on the sideline in the shade?? So much of our life is spent outside and we are such beach/pool people that its hard to be in the battle with the sun. I am not a cold weather person and could never see myself living anywhere that has a winter and I want more then anything to go back to California but will it be the same? Am I always going to be scared to be in the sun or is this just so new and fresh and it will eventually go away? It is so hard to try and deal with this when I want to badly to take Sophia to the pool and even the park but I am so scared to be outside. I don't want her to have to pay for my issues. But with the changes there are some positives. I have made a vow to myself that all I want to do is be as healthy as I possibly can and eat great, exercise and live everyday because who knows when it will be my last. I have been cleared for now and just because I had it once doesn't mean it will come back but it will always be on my mind and I will never look at my body the same. There are still many issues to deal with that I haven't even let myself think about and hopefully I will be able to face them and work through them but the one thing I can say I have learned from all this is there is nothing like the support from family and friends. I have never wanted sympathy or pity, and still don't, but to know that people care is such a great thing and to have the love and support of my amazing husband who has been my rock through all this I could not even explain. Hopefully the sun and I can some with some sort of agreement and I will get back in the water with Sophia because I miss the pool and I don't want her to pay for my issue. So with this vent of a post I want to leave with saying live your healthiest and learn something new everyday because life is super short and its such a beautiful journey so live it!! Love you all

Jet Lag

So after the worst experience trying to get back home to Spain we finally made it and I couldn't be happier. Nothing is better then taking a shower in your own shower and sleeping in your own bed. Though sleeping is now a big issue in the Foster house. After living in a hotel for the past five weeks we had no choice but to have Sophia sleep in the bed with us which is something we never planned on doing. Being in a hotel we couldn't just let her cry it out which we normally do at home so putting her in the bed with us was the only way we could keep her quiet and get some sleep. We thought okay once we got home we would do the same thing and just stick her in her crib and let her cry it out till she got used to sleeping by herself again but Sophia had other plans. Last night she figured out how to climb out of her crib and when we tried to get her to sleep in her big girl bed she wasn't tired because of the jet lag. Then tonight we get her down in her bed, after she fell asleep on the couch, then she woke up crying and we decided that we were just going to let her cry it out. And what do you know she figured out how to open her bedroom door which completely destroyed out plans. Now its 3 a.m and we are all up watching Bambi and we have no clue how we are going to do this transition of getting her used to sleeping alone in her big girl bed. She became such a good sleeper on her own in her crib and now its like we have to start all over. I wish I had super nanny to come help us do this transition because it sucks. But on a better note I am cancer free and I am starting to heal nicely!! Yay

Waiting

Well we have been in the states for a little over a week and it looks like we are going to be here for about another three weeks. It is nice to be in the states and it was great to see family but the waiting sucks. I am set to have surgery on wednesday and I am not going to lie I am scared. I am hoping that it will turn out fine and they will just have to remove the tumor but there is the reality that they just don't know yet. I know everyone means well by saying everything is going to be okay but in all honesty we just don't know yet. Until we find out if it has spread or not we can't say that things are going to be fine, the bottom line is until there is a final say that yes this is what stage I am in I am not going to say things are fine. I know things are looking positive but there is a chance that this could be worse and I am prepared for whatever is going to happen. I think the hardest thing about this is my mortality is realized and its something I have got to face. Hearing that even if I stay at a stage 2 there is a 25% chance I could die within the next 5 years is not an easy thing to take in. I know there is a lot worse cancers out there and melanoma isn't necessarily a death sentence but it is still cancer. I am scared of the chance of this spreading and becoming a stage 3 then having to do the chemo and the treatments and having our lives changed. I am trying to stay positive but I am also being realistic, until they go in there and test the lymph nodes we just don't know. The only thing I know for sure is that I am scared and I am not ready to leave this world but I am positive because I am young and healthy and its not as deep as it could be. The one thing I have promised myself is if we get through this and I turn out fine with a stage 2 I am going to do everything I possibly can to be healthy and live the best life possible because it is too short and you never know. I am so thankful for all the support and for my amazing husband and daughter. They are worth fighting this for and I tell you what I am going to kick cancers butt whatever the final diagnosis and take extraordinary care of my skin and body and mind!! Now all I can do is wait and find out how much of a fight I am going to have to put up!!

The "C" word

Before now I had always been scared to use the "c" word, cancer. I have had two other times in my life where I was told I was close to having cancer but it all turned out fine. So when I went in to get my mole removed I was excited when I didn't get any news back for a few weeks. They tell you no news is good news so in a way I forgot about it. But after this tuesday the "c" word is now going to forever be in my vocabulary. The whole thing is still sinking in, I think mainly because its so strange to think I have cancer. At this point its just skin cancer at stage 2 and we don't know yet if it had spread. But it still doesn't seem real because for me I think of cancer and I think of loosing your hair and the "look" of a cancer patient. But for me I feel just fine and besides the scar, which is going to get a lot larger. I don't feel sick and don't look sick on the outside but I have the strange nasty "c" word festering inside my skin, and hopefully just my skin.

The hardest thing I think right now is the thought of Sophia. Now that I have a melanoma she has a 50% greater chance of developing it. Its such a horrid feeling to know that she is also going to have to get her skin monitored closely as well because of me. Thousands of thoughts are going through my head but the ones that scare me the most are the ones that involve her. I am determined to live to 100 because I don't want to miss a moment of her life. I know this is not a death sentence and chances are I am going to be just fine but just the thought of missing anything is hard. But I will try and make this my last "c" word blog and start focusing on the other crazy happy thoughts in my head!! All I can say though is YAY for life.

Holly poop

Well yesterday I got the news that I was hoping not to hear, the doctor found a mole that in fact was melanoma. So to spare all the medical jargon I have to get more skin removed and possibly have some lymph nodes removed and just pray that it has not spread anywhere else. It is not a totally bad melanoma but its not great either. I am not sure what the future had in store and not really able to comprehend all of this yet all I know is they need to get in there and get all the crap out and I have to be super careful with my skin. I was never really a tanning bed person but I was a swimmer and spent the majority of my life outside but I have never had a sunburn, EVER. The reason I am putting this out there is not for sympathy its to make people aware. We all love that summer glow and a tan does look good but having a life long scar on your forehead and hearing you have skin cancer at 29 is not worth it.

Dream

Okay so today was a total bummer because I realized I was a day late to possibly make my life long dream come true!! Well let me first start with what my dream has been. From the time I was little I wanted to be in the olympics, I first wanted to be "Flo-Jo" and would run around the living room then I realized 1-I am white so that wouldn't work and 2-I can't run so that dream is done. Then I grew up swimming and dreamed of going for swimming but even though I have a great love of swimming I lack the competitive drive to push myself. I just love to swim and don't really care about winning. So now it is a dream of attending the games and seeing swimming in person. I must admit I am a total sap and cry at the medal ceremonies. Now in 2012 the games will be in London and being in Spain we are super close and I would love more then anything to go. But this morning when I went to look up the games and tickets I was a day late to get on the list for tickets!! Super poop. But hope is not lost I am going on every authorized website and signing up so in case there are some unsold tickets I can get them. I have no clue how much the hotels are going to cost or flights but all I know is if I don't try to go I will regret it forever, or until the games get back to the US. We all have life long dreams and though some may be obtainable and some not so much trying to get them is so worth it!! But with my dream there is another hurdle and that is finances, London is super expensive but is the dream worth going in a little for?? Do you suck it up and fork over the money knowing that the opportunity might not ever come again?? Well once July comes around and I can find out how much it will really cost my choice will be made. Can you put a price on a dream??

Music?

Okay so living in Spain has got me thinking about others views on America. Here and in other countries that me and Corey have visited the majority of music played is American. So my question is do they think we play their music in America? Do they think their hits are hits in America as well? I mean we do get foreign hits in America but the are almost always in English. And what about TV shows? I mean Baywatch was in like over 100 countries so do they think we get their shows in America with English subtitles? Just curious

Vanity??!

So lately I have been getting some work done on my face, some needed and some wanted, and it got me to thinking of WHY I was getting it done.? I have gotten braces again to get the perfect teeth I have always wanted. I have gotten two moles removed on my face, on because I had to and the other because I have always wanted to. So on my road to get things to look "better" I look like a teenager with braces, a not so bad scar on my forehead and a healing cut on my cheek and everyday I go out feeling less then confident. So why am I getting this done? Its not like my face shows what kind of person I am and what qualities make me a good person and besides the mole on my forehead it wouldn't have been a problem going through the rest of my life with crooked teeth and a mole on my cheek. So in sitting down and really thinking about why I was doing this I came up with a few conclusions. The main one is I really don't feel good about myself anymore. I grew up always being the skinny one and I never had to worry about what I put into my mouth, then I graduated college and everything changed. I gained weight and was no longer told how good I looked and did not feel as good as I did before. So for the past 10 years or so I have been struggling to get back to an "acceptable" weight so I can hear I look good again. And most importantly why do I care? As women we put so much time and effort to be what is considered "acceptable" and we beat ourselves up for it and worst of all we put each other down and judge each other. So I have decided to change what I want people to think of me and what I want to think of myself. No longer am I going to worry about being the "pretty" one but I want to try and show who I really am. I started to think about what would happen if my face was burned in a fire and I was covered in scars, would I live the rest of my life feeling bad about myself because my face wasn't pretty? There is so much more to life and me then that. So I want to show that I am a good mom, a good wife and person who loves life. I no longer want to be a prisoner of constantly thinking about how much I weigh and worrying about what people think of me and start focusing how I can show who I really am without worrying about the outward appearance. I have no clue how I am going to do this but gosh darn it I am going to try. And in my self quest I am going to stop judging people because its so toxic and in turn I hope not to be judged. So that is my deep thought and question for the day, if we lost our face how can we show the world that we are a beautiful person?